To blog or not to blog

Saturday, and today really is the 13th. I await with trepidation all the little practical jokes the day has in store; expect many, prepared for but a few!

What to tell? Friday continued in much the same vain as it started, poking fun at me and sticking its leg out to trip me up whenever my attention was diverted elsewhere. Little bugger. Network intermittent until David came home with new gizmo, unplugged, plugged, configured, wiggled, pinged, fiddled, swore, coaxed, threatened and generally waved a multitude of magic wands. Thus we now have guaranteed 100% reliable home network and internet access that will never ever fail, astonishing upload and download speeds, file transfer rates that actually exceed the laws of physics and probably a mini-hadron collider poised on the brink of discovering the Higgs Boson particle. (Why did my spell-checker want to change that from hadron to hard on? Such smut!) We’re but a step away from sending out an inverse tachyon pulse through the main deflector array into the quantum singularity causing a cascade of chronotron particles and possibly destroying all life as we know it in this sector of the galaxy! Someone beam me up! Please!

Good day for blog hits yesterday – thanks to everyone who stopped by – it was the busiest day yet. Or was it just that it was Friday and you were all bored? I don’t care; I’m turning into a blog-hits whore, happy to prostitute myself on the back of imagined popularity. Oh, I’m SO cheap! I hope I gave a few laughs at least, if not with me then at me. Feel free to add comments – I can take it! (I only seem to be in a fragile mental state, bordering on a complete meltdown. Honest. The voices keep telling me I’m ok!)

Letter from United Utilities offering to insure my external pluming. I say it’s not the external stuff that needs attention! It’s what is happening inside that is the current cause for scientific speculation, but maybe when they send down a camera we’ll find out if I need extra lagging, or perhaps there’s some sediment that’s settled when my back was turned, maybe a burst valve? Anyway, I’ve been round the U-bend for years. I’ve had a camera go up before, so only seems right I should go for the matching pair and have one go down. God, I hope they use different cameras…

Today I have a real itch to go out and do something fun tonight. I get quite isolated in the house all week, and most weekends our only trips out are to do shopping – hardly fun times. So this urge comes over me from time to time – want to go do something ‘gay’. I don’t mean standing on a bar in the Village dancing to YMCA with the drag queens, I mean just being around other gay people. It can still be quite an isolating world – even with current improvements to legislation, David and I still can’t walk round M&S holding hands. So it is important for us to sometimes get to places where we can do that. Hence the desire for a good night out, but that’s never a good feeling as it usually leads to frustration and dashed hopes. Manchester has really taken a nose-dive in recent months – well the last year or two really. So few places we want to go, no clubs other than our own that we’d like to attend, and if we do make an effort and drag ourselves out (not drag up, drag out!) then the place tends to be practically deserted. Bad show Manchester. Get it sorted. Two gay guys here want a good night out that doesn’t involve ‘camp bingo’, bucket-loads of sequins, floppy hair and straight women on hen nights, “Cos we feel safe here, innit like.” That said, I guess I’m as much an obstacle – can’t really go dancing with a gammy foot that permits about 10 minutes of standing per hour before throbbing to buggery and causing general misery. Gets you down being constantly aware of pain, although some days it is much more manageable than others. Now, as I’m typing this, it is not much more than a tingle, but sometimes you’d think I was having needles stuck in the balls of my foot! Still, shouldn’t complain. It IS getting better, albeit slowly. Not used a wheelchair for three months now, and at least I’m mobile about the house and enough to potter round shops, so that’s a blessing. Long way off disco dancing though, so I guess Essential, the gay(ish) night club tonight is out of the question! Besides, I don’t have anything in gold spandex to wear!

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So, it’s Friday 13th today! Ok, ok, I know it is really the 12th, but in all other ways it is without a doubt a Friday 13th. As Mr Spock once said, “A difference that makes no difference, is no difference”! Do you ever have those days when as soon as you get up you know things are going to go wrong, and the day lives up to such expectation?

My major gripe today is technological, something of a theme of late. But before I talk about today any more I’ll bring you up to speed on the remainder of yesterday. You’ll recall I was having major grief with iTunes syncing to the iPhone? Well David, saint that he is, thinks he has now resolved the problem. We have all our music stored on a home server (which is then backed up a zillion times). My iTunes was pointing to the files on the server – fine and dandy, shouldn’t be a problem. But things get a bit more tricky when you take into account the connectivity between my laptop and that server – I link to a switch which links to a router (which connects out to the interweb) and the server also connects back to the router. We have a fair few devices also joined to the network, such as David’s PC and the printer. It seems that iTunes was timing out when trying to sync and we thing (hope and pray) that this was because the connection to the server was falling over. Hold that thought…

This morning I had no internet connection and no connection at all within the home network. With David’s text-message support we’ve managed to bypass the switch and I can now see the world (or you’d not be seeing this). Seems like the switch is kaput and the router is on its last legs. Shopping trip tomorrow I think. But that also explains why iTunes was developing twisted-knicker syndrome!

Did someone mention knickers? “Chinese woman opposite” has only got t-shirts and kiddie dresses hanging in her window today – no large pants. Maybe she didn’t wear any yesterday – dirty cow!

We, on the other hand, have managed three loads of washing (I say ‘we’ because David put one load in the machine last night which was waiting for me to peg out on the line this morning). It’s a beautiful day here at the moment – sunny, warm, bees buzzing, Summery. Our pants are following the more traditional procedure of hanging on a line in the privacy of our back garden.

Just had a letter from the hospital to arrange my endoscopy/gastroscopy (?) – lots of being passed from one departmental phone to the next but eventually got it sorted for 29th June – not long to wait. They try two things, the first is a spray to numb the throat and if that works (whole procedure done in 15 minutes) I can come home and don’t need an escort, but if that is not successful then they give sedation which takes 2 hours and does need a responsible adult to be with me. So I have to assume it won’t work and ask David to take time off work. At least it is progress to knowing if the news is good or bad.

Sweet peas are coming up in their tub, even if the eating peas are not showing any signs. If they don’t get a move on we’ll be having frosts before the pods have formed! Percy Thrower never had these problems, but there again, I don’t have an Italian Sunken Garden to tend. (Blue Peter reference there in case you didn’t know). I once won a Blue Peter badge for entering a “Don’t Drop Litter” poster competition – came runner up. My Mum managed to launder the badge though and it fell to bits. I cried for days. Apparently it was MY fault that SHE didn’t check my jumper before washing it! Parents can have such an odd take on things! I couldn’t be expected to play all day AND do her jobs for her!

I was admonished yesterday because my blog has an adult content warning at the start and as yet the material has not been of an explicit nature. Hmmm. What to do about that? Some rude words maybe? Ok: This morning, while trying to insert my tab into an appropriate flange (bloody self- assembly – I can never get it up!) I discovered I had a nasty prick – maybe from all the screwing I did yesterday. I was having a gay time stroking two pussies – one of them spat at me and the other dribbled a little. Out the window I saw a pair of tits, and heard a noise like a cock being mis-handled. Its a horrible cock – nasty pecker. I rushed out the door to see what the excitement was all about and had to give my knob a really hard twist because it was very stiff. Squeezing up my back passage were two bitches – I don’t know where they had come from; Lesbos maybe? I thrusted forward and tried to poke them with some wood, I but my wood was not long enough. It was all too hard! Next I tried cracking my hands together but the bitches were not worried by the clap. I thought, “What is needed here is a good long bang”. I made a snatch for my tool thinking I’d be successful with a good hammering, but it had a slippery shaft and I dropped it. I’m forever troubled by such weighty boobs! Banging away was ineffective so I grabbed my hose, which I keep near an overgrown bush, but that didn’t work even when I sprayed all over the bitches (they were ugly old dogs). I saw two enormous jugs (each were beautifully rimmed) and whacked them together with an impressive dong. No luck. The jugs I then tossed, like a pair of old balls, over the bush into next door’s garden which is dry and barren, but where I have sometimes seen a beaver. I gave up and went indoors where I had waiting for me two juicy melons and a nice fresh shag, which was only laid yesterday.

And on that note, I’ll bid you all good day!

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All that shimmers is not gold!

11th June. Where did THAT come from? I think someone’s got a big tombola drum full of dates and is plucking them at random. It can’t be 11th June already, surely?! (And I didn’t call you Shirley)

Well, according to the calculations of Eratosthenes, today marks the anniversary of the sacking of Troy in 1184 BC – so beware Greeks bearing gifts! (The actual quote is “Quidquid id est, timeo Danaos et dona ferentes” – or “Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.”) That thought prompted me to take a photo of my Trojan Cow…

A fair few years ago now, well Summer 2004, Manchester welcomed the CowParade – it is a huge international event held in over 50 cities worldwide since 1999 including Chicago (1999), New York City (2000), London (2002), Tokyo (2003), and Brussels (2003). Dublin (2003), Prague (2004), and Stockholm (2004), Mexico City (2005), Sao Paulo (2005), Buenos Aires (2006), Boston (2006) Paris (2006), Milan (2007, and Istanbul (2007). Possibly odd concept, but great fun: life-size model cows are decorated by local people, artists, schools etc and placed around the city, outside shopping centres, at airports, abseiling down the side of buildings (seriously). Huge fun to try to spot them. Lots of money raised for good causes too as they sell off the full-sized models afterwards. I think there is currently a parade in Hong Kong, with planned events in Rome and Lima, Peru, on the horizon. If you’re interested, the main web page for more information is http://www.cowparade.com/ and more details of the Manchester event can be found at http://manchester.cowparade.com/ which includes some in-situ photos just in case you don’t believe me. Actually, hand on there just a cotton-pick’en minute, I can do better than that! When David and I went on holiday to Gran Canaria in the Summer of ‘04 there was a cow at Manchester Airport – Alphadite – the Goddess of Shopping! Some of them have fantastic names – I’ve mentioned the Trojan Cow, but how about TutenCowMoo-n, Moo-lin the wizard, Al Cow-pone the gangster, one celebrating local Salford ‘Matchstick Man’ LS Lowry – Cow-ry, D.I.S.C.O.W. – resplendent in gold sequins, which stood in Canal Street, Moo-dolf the red-nosed reindeer, Cow-liflower, Moo-lin Rouge… the list of pun names goes on for ages, a bit like me really! You can buy porcelain and plastic miniature replicas of some of the designs. We’ve got a whole collection of them although sadly at the moment they are mostly kept in the loft.

So, I bet you are all waiting with baited breath to hear how my new relationship is panning out. You know David and I are currently opening our partnership up a little, for some variety and extra excitement. We both now have ’significant others’. Things seems to be going better for David than for me. I think he is falling in love. Me, its not so easy. You see, David likes to have a good fiddle, he’s not afraid to try new things, be adventurous. With me, well, I’m happy enough to plod along, better-the-devil-you-know style. My new commitment, I have to say, isn’t turning out too well. Maybe just the strangeness of unfamiliarity, or maybe I’m just too darn old to embrace change. Of course I’m talking about the iPhones here. What did you think I meant?

I’m not a bunny of the happy variety. Having loads of problems syncing my phone to iTunes, which either times out or just hangs. I’m not trying to do anything clever at all – just sync my calendar, contacts and a single playlist, and be able to transfer photos between the laptop and the phone. Simples. That is what it is supposed to do. I’ve not fiddled, I’ve not installed anything that hasn’t come directly from Apple (like they let you anyway!), I’m really not asking it to do half of what it is supposed to be designed for. It’s like having a dishwasher that you have to coax into working each time, stroking its ego, telling it how beautiful it is, and then only washing mugs in it, in case it doesn’t like pans or cutlery! I knew this was all a huge mistake. Took me ages this morning to tease the Cow photo off the phone. Gentle persuasion, screaming and in the end a threat to throw the whole thing in the compost bin (the best place for rotten Apples if you ask me) and eventually, with obvious resentment and massive reluctance it deigned to let me have MY photo!

That said and to be fair, I had other problems last night following a Windows update which screwed up the right speaker on my laptop – made a rasping sound every time an audio file was played (so every ping of the computer was followed by the PC equivalent of a hacking cough). Had to rollback to a previous backup from prior to the update. What is more, David discovered that this was a known issue with the update, but MS had decided to roll it out anyway. Well thank you very much Mr Gates, you annoying little American Twerp.

Two pairs of knickers today hanging in window of “Chinese woman opposite”. I’ll not try to take a photo – you KNOW I’m telling the truth and I don’t think my nerves can take another battle with the shitePhone! I need a cup of tea.

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So, Wednesday slipped in without too much fuss or an abundance of lubrication. I’m sure old Woden would have been proud of himself. And a date in history to be reckoned with, or not, depending on how bored you are I guess:

1834 – HMS Beagle/Charles Darwin sails Pacific Ocean – think he’s the bloke wot discovered monkeys
1916 – Great Arab Revolt begin – so much potential for ‘revolting’ jokes here, but I’ll not stoop
1939 – Barney Bear, cartoon character, by MGM, debuts – That was no boo-boo!
1957 – Harold MacMillan becomes British PM – so there’s historical precedent for a change of leadership on this day. Mr Brown, take heed!
1977 – Apple Computer ships its 1st Apple II – spooky – just got an iPhone! I still maintain Macs are best suited to dirty old men

And it’s Judy Garland’s birthday. She’d be 87, but still scared of lions and tigers and bears, oh my!

Yesterday started out with promise, as so many days often do, but had a very real slump around lunchtime when I was poorly sick again. Don’t know what is causing this – it is most peculiar! No real notice – this time I was sitting in the garden, sling-shot in hand, waiting for unsuspecting slugs to dare show themselves – and blop, there I am, with pre-nausea mouth-watering and unable to coax breakfast back down again. Oh well, maybe slugs like macerated poached egg on toast. Not looking forward to endoscopy, whenever that happens, as have terrible gag reflex anyway and even cleaning my teeth too far to the back of my mouth can end up with unpleasantness. Also, naturally, worried that they might find something else wrong with me. Doctor seemed to suspect an ulcer, which would be fine and dandy to cure. Send me good thoughts and healing energy and lets get this thing sorted! The gardening time was also spent sowing out the pea seeds that I soaked yesterday. They swelled up fine, to look like just-podded peas, so I’m hoping that extra umph will give them a chance to germinate quickly (or at all). Some outside, some on kitchen windowsill, some uncovered, some in plastic bags for heat and moisture retention. Think I have covered most bases. Bound to fail!

Spent some time working on a few more t-short designs and sent them off in first draft for my mate to see. Hope he likes. Was a very sketchy brief. Speaking of briefs (as often I seem to do these days), three pairs on display in window opposite yesterday. So that’s 6 pairs in 2 days – which seems an excessive daily throughput by anyone’s standards. And I’ve seen the ads on telly for knicker bolt-ons designed for ladies with leaky pluming, so she can’t blame a faulty valve on her flow regulator causing conspicuous pooling either, least not in my book! While I was fiddling around with PaintShop I re-visited the poster I’d designed for our club night which coincides with Manchester Pride in August. (Friday 28th for our night and that weekend for the Pride march if you want to come along and throw fruit at the passing, er, fruit!) Made some of the text 3D with bevelled edges. Looks quite good, so I went on and produced a postcard version too, suitable for promo in advance of the event. Pride is our busiest night but also our most costly. The cats, bless them, are currently fast asleep on David’s sofa, in the 69 position, with their heads up each other’s arses. They may just be gay.

We got the iPhones! I wasn’t sure if O2 would give us a contract, having previously been on Orange and with with a credit rating that must be “You’re having a laugh” or maybe “There’s less risk involved in flying Air France”! But no problemo! All sorted. We had to leave hefty deposits (that could sound rude), but we’ll get that back after 3 months. I have to say that so far the iPhone has not in any way lived up to my expectations. Which is a good thing! I was expecting it to be awful, feature-deprived, troublesome and fussy, but so far it has failed to tick any of these boxes. It even syncs to my laptop (and therefore my calendar, contacts and web favourites) without any difficulty. Different interface to anything I have used before but it is generally quite intuitive. Great screen size and the photo quality is much better than the HTC Touch I’ve been using to date. The garden image was taken this morning. Can’t complain at the quality from a phone camera. I’ve got things set up for Facebook and Twitter, so can update on the move, and the photo integration to both seems very straightforward. Maybe there will be some good photo opportunities in Hungary and I can upload a few decent pictures during the trip. Can’t change the image resolution though and need an app for any manipulation, but its not MEANT to be a laptop/PC replacement. Web browsing is cool – FAR superior to the HTC, faster and renders pages properly.

if I have any faults they would be:

• Keyboard not fantastic and easy to miss-key. That might just be that I need to get used to it.
• No on-phone file management. Seems odd that. Yes you can manage photos, apps, music and video via iTunes but there is nothing to deal with other types of documents. Methinks an app-search is required

Just been having a fiddle, as you do, with Flight Control. OMG! How hard?! I’ll have RSI before the end of the day! Beef casserole for dinner – or stew if you don’t profess delusions of grandeur! David’s out training, so it has to be a quick turn-round and so something that just needs whipping out of the oven and spooning into a bowl is ideal.’Spose I’d better do some spuds though, ‘ya wee maan’ being from ‘de emerald isle’, so he is. But he’s NOT Irish!

Need to do lots more playing so I may add a bit more to this entry later today or if not, then tomorrow.

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Tuesday anyone? I seem to have a spare one if anybody lost theirs. This one has started sunny but holds little promise. Tuesday officially most depressing day of the week, which I always think is a cheery thought to start the day!

Yesterday was kinda uneventful, which to be honest is absolutely fine! As I’ve said many times before, we’ve had more than enough edge-of-the-commode excitement over the last year for boring to seem positively blissful! David contacted the person at his work who is organising the Budapest trip, to ask a list of questions and her reply was very reassuring. I think now she has a better understanding of my level of disability she’ll do everything she can to make things easy for us – taxis instead of walking places etc. I feel so much better about things now and hopefully, we’ll be able to have a great time without me needing to spend the duration in pain!

Garden is looking well, although the peas have just not germinated (I had a broddle around in the pots yesterday and no sign of anything) so I’m trying a different tack and have had some seed soaking in water for 24 hours. That may just give them the encouragement to buck their ideas up and start growing. Will plant later. I’ll post a pic or two later in the week, weather permitting. Other stuff is doing well, although lots of slugs about. Won’t be long until I can pull some radishes, if the slimy buggers don’t get them first. The ‘pet-friendly’ slug pellets seem to be of no use at all so I’m on slug patrol. Pick it, unstick it, flick it! Threw one over the fence yesterday just as a jogger was going past. So will watch out on news tonight for story of mysterious flying invertebrates discovered in Salford Suburbs! I blame the jogger. Too fit you see. If it had been me you’d have heard the puffing, wheezing and panting well in advance. Not that I’m going to be jogging any time soon. Just about manage a sort of flailing stumble if I try to do much more than shuffle!

Thought I’d show you the Google Maps view of our little empire. I’ve marked the corner of the tennis courts on all three images for a frame of reference. (Click on the picture for a bigger version) For somewhere 2 miles from the city centre it is remarkably rural here! We back onto a fitness centre (exclusive use of residents, pool, gym, sauna, very nice) and tennis courts, around which the unfortunate jogger found himself molested!

There used to be low-rise flats here but they were knocked down sometime in the 80s I think. Now it is very open and green. The tennis court at least means we’ll never have any building out the back that can overlook us, and sitting in the garden it can feel remarkably like you are in the countryside.

Beyond the court there is a field and then the river Irwell which bends in a huge horseshoe forming a U shaped area of field/wasteland. This U shape forms part of the flood defences for the river – they just let it fill up into an enormous lake, but that protects the lower-lying houses (including ours). It is quite spectacular when it does flood and pretty scary. I would tell you about the huge dike that also holds back the waters, but she doesn’t like the publicity. We’re apparently only a very low risk for flooding and the home contents insurance is assessed based on a scale, 1 – very likely to flood, 2 – possibility of flooding, 3 – very little likelihood of flooding. We’re rated 3, and that means no need for extra flood protection premiums and so on. Still, we have a large inflatable mattress to hand just in case!

Yesterday I also spent a bit of time playing with some t-shirt designs for a friend – a job I have been promising to do for ages but never felt too inspired. Came up with about a dozen options with a few more ideas yet to try. At least it keeps me thinking about design so my creative juices don’t dry up completely. David was kick-boxing last night but came home early as there were not enough stopping for the second session. I was terrible and spent ages teasing him about going to get the iPhones, which he almost sacrificed his training to go and do. Fingers crossed we’ll get them tonight if all goes through with the payment plan approval etc. So no doubt tomorrow I’ll have decided I hate mine and will have something to rant about!

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Well, it’s Monday. Sunny, despite the forecast and dry, at least for the time being.

Last night was quite chilled – we seemed to spend a fair while looking for interesting iPhone apps. Well, free ones anyway as I won’t spend any money until we have the phones in our hands! But have found a few games and some tools – a couple of Twitter apps to try as well. That said I quite like the funky Twitter app on my current phone, so I have a benchmark against which to test any new ones. We played hairdressers last night too. If I get a chance to snap a pic of the results I will do so and publish on here. It was a big session; trimming the tips of the Mohawk (or else it is too long and I end up with go-faster stripes on the ceiling of my car), shaving the non-Mohawk parts David’s head, trying to coax the whole thing back into a straight line (after a few trims it can wander and looks more like a meandering river than a straight-cut stripe) and then going at it with the peroxide! David has naturally very dark hair so it usually takes two bleaches if we want to avoid a sort of apricot mid-stage. It is a complete kerfuffle but looks good when it is done. I was complacent this time though and missed the opportunity to press my groin against his elbow and ask, “Have you been on your holidays yet?” in appropriate hairdresser camp.

We had a take-away for dinner – I cook most days so it is a treat for me to not have to worry and it usually leaves enough for lunch the next day which saves too. On the way there, just as you have come off the estate, you drive up Littleton Road, quite a wide arterial road into Salford although not too busy out side of rush hour. They have, for the last three months, been putting in a pedestrian crossing – pelican variety. I have to laugh though. The beacons are not yet activated, so covered in black bags. Fair enough I guess. But the funny thing is that the actual crossing area – the zebra stripes, is fenced off so you can’t use it. You can cross anywhere else on the road, unrestricted, running into whatever traffic you like, but NOT on the actual crossing. You can’t see that well from the photo, but how mad is that? I guess, because the beacons are not working, if anyone crossed there and there was an accident, the council would be liable, so the very obvious crossing area, which is raised and for which you have to slow down in a car anyway, and even without the beacons is probably the safest crossing point on the road, is out of bounds! Ludicrous.

I recently had a fantastic reply to a complaint I sent to Sainsburys. I’m a bit of a pedant when it comes to language, and especially when used in TV advertising. I am usually pretty quick to spot advertising ‘escape clauses’ – where the claim they seem to be making is not actually what they are saying. I especially like “Nothing works faster than X” – so use NOTHING – it works faster than X and is a damn sight cheaper! Sainsburys recently ran an add for new potatoes which they said would be available for “a few short weeks”. Well that was red rag to a bull and I sent emails off to their marketing department and the company responsible for the advert. All very tongue-in-cheek, but it made the point. My email and the reply below!

To whom it may concern, (and please pass this on to the relevant manager)

I write in reference to a Sainsbury’s TV ad campaign which is currently running in the North West UK region, and for which I believe you may be responsible.

I am confused. According to this current advertising campaign, Sainsbury’s have new potatoes available at their best for, “a few short weeks”. This causes me some concern as I have always believed that the length of any given week is the same as all the others. In what way are you able to shorten these weeks? Can you please explain exactly which part of the week is being sacrificed? I hope the shrinkage is happening during the standard working week. I’m sure people would be most disgruntled if they found out that some of their weekend had been removed.

My initial thought was that maybe Sainsbury’s was in conspiracy with the Government; by reducing the length of a week one could naturally assume that this would also represent savings in many areas, such as fuel used for heating and lighting, hours worked by government bodies, the Police, and other Service agencies, however upon further reflection I feel that this would have an economically detrimental impact, with people having less time to spend money in the shops and consequently boost our country’s fortunes within world financial arenas.

My next concern was that maybe this was in some way linked with the current MP expenses debacle. Has Hazel Blears been stealing minutes from the usual 24/7 pattern, as well as fixing her expenses?

Of course, you may be suggesting Einstein’s theory of relativity here, however that would imply that humankind is due to leave the Earth and travel faster than light speed, and indeed, upon our return to Earth it would appear that less time had passed for us than for the earth-bound Sainsbury’s stores. However I suspect that the costs of achieving this would probably outweigh the savings on the odd bag of potatoes.

I am gratified to hear that this anomaly is only expect to last for a few of these shortened weeks, but please will you let me know if this is in fact planned to be an annual event, such as daylight saving times, and indeed whether Sainsbury’s plans to return the missing temporal quotient, perhaps during a few LONG weeks in the Winter?

Please can we have our old week-length back? I’m rather fond of it.

Dear Mr Perrett

Thanks for your email about our recent TV advert. I can understand your concern about the short weeks we mention.

I’d like to assure you that we are not part of a government conspiracy to reduce costs, nor are we helping MPs to claim time along with their expenses. If we were dabbling with Einstein’s theories, we certainly wouldn’t want to reduce the weekends because we know this wouldn’t be in anyone’s best interests.

As I’m sure you’re aware, time flies when you’re having fun. What you might not know is that time also flies when you’re growing new potatoes. This, of course, is to do with the perception of time passing and this was what we were referring to when we talked about the short weeks. Sadly, we don’t yet have the technology to alter actual time so you can rest assured that weeks will remain at the standard length of 7 days.

I’m grateful to you for making us aware of the confusion our advert caused and I hope you will enjoy our new potatoes during the few regular length weeks that they are at their best.

Yours sincerely

Jodi Hollingsworth

Executive Office

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Saturday was an interesting day all round. Highs and lows. Ups and downs. No, we didn’t go to Altern Towers, but sometimes it felt like it! Friday finished a bit uncomfortably. David had received an updated itinerary for the Hungary trip in a fortnight, and there were a few things on there that threw us a bit. Firstly, it said that the hotel asks for a credit card to swipe at Reception, so they have somewhere to charge any extra room charges etc. When i was first made redundant we got rid of all credit cards. We only have a pre-paid card that you top up and can only spend what you put on it. They don’t pre-authorise like a Visa will. So that’ll need sorting somehow. Secondly, despite David having had confirmation previously that dress for dinner would be casual, the itinerary now states that this is smart – only a small thing, but a pain in the posterior for me. As mentioned, I’ve lost loads of weight and don’t have any ‘posh’ clothes that fit any more. You can’t look good in 32″ trousers when you are down to a 28″ waist! I’ve tried very hard to put on weight (so was probably at one stage no more than 26″!!!) and also to not buy clothes, which hopefully will be too small in a little while as I get better. So I’ve managed with trackie-bottoms and elasticated waist-bands! So yesterday’s shopping trip increased in difficulty to now include TWO pairs of trousers, one being a nightmare, and two some sort of Hell on Earth. There were a few other things on the itinerary that bug me, such as the ’short walk’ to the restaurant for the meal on the Saturday night. This is then also referred to as a ’stroll’. Semantics I know, but important ones for someone who’s every step causes shooting pains and who was until recently in a wheelchair! So they will just all have to walk at my pace! So, what with all that, having separate seats on the plane, stumping up for additional travel/medical insurance to cover pre-existing medical conditions (you’d think I was guaranteed to have bits drop off, fail or explode from the moment we get on the flight) and the general hassle, it seems like less of a prize and more of an inconvenience. As David said, it feels like they have somehow managed at every step of the way to make things difficult for me. Which is such a shame as I really want us to be able to have a good time. David deserves it so much and a break away would do us so much good! The hotel though looks lovely – five-star and a bed that you need a map to navigate. I WILL be stealing the shampoo, even though I have a shaved head!

Saturday, I managed to get an app for Twitter to load and run on my mobile phone. Its really good. That said, if I don’t close it down from the program manager it remains active, receiving Tweets, and bumping up the data costs! Need to watch for that. On the plus side, it has a really cool feature to integrate Twitter, Tweetpic and the phone’s camera, so you can tweet, take a photo and send it all in one go. How fun is that?! This prompted discussions around phone plans and data costs. David has been itching to upgrade his phone for ages. The ones we have are pretty good in terms of features and there is a newer version available, but I feel that the extra cost does not justify what is really just a prettier case. So if we did upgrade it would need to be to something with a step up in features and a reduction in data costs. All that sort of points to an iPhone. We made some enquiries at the O2 shop and we can get iPhones for about the same monthly payment plan as we are on, but with unlimited data transfer. What’s more, the Orange contract expires in a few weeks and they are fine for us to leave without penalty. We’ve applied for the PAC codes. O2 were fine but they want a £100 deposit per phone – that’s OK, as we’ll get it back, and is because the card they took for authorisation is pre-paid rather than a credit card (see previous comments on THAT!), so I guess they need some security. Anyway, we didn’t have £200 loaded onto the card, so David will have to sort that on Monday and we’ll go get the phones on Tuesday. David thinks we’ll have the PAC codes by then (so we can keep the same numbers) but I very much doubt that Orange will work that quickly, let alone the post! I have reservations about the iPhone, mostly though because it’s Apple! More ranting about that later!

Shopping: Cheshire Oaks – designer outlet centre. Rain. Lots of walking. Pain. But some degree of success. The M&S outlet had some formal trousers in the right waist and almost the right leg length. In fact they are close enough to get away without needing taking up – floppy bottoms being trendy. And my bottom is, by extrapolation, very trendy! Not bad for £16. Also bought an XSML polo shirt, as most of my current Fred Perry’s are all a bit big. But sadly, no jeans. There’s a usually-reliable Levi shop there, but they had nothing below a 30″ waist unless boot- or baggy-cut, both of which look ridiculous on me. Might as well wear a skirt. Actually that’s am idea. I suppose a skirt would count as formal enough… and I’m all for challenging stereotypes! No, maybe not, I’d have to shave my legs and the hairs have only just grown back after the chemo! (They don’t mention that on Casualty! You don’t just lose your head hair! It was weird not having eyebrows, but fantastic not having to shave head or face!).

Back home and we realised that if we’re getting these iPhones they sync to our computers via iTunes. I hate iTunes with a passion! It is the worst software ever written. I have had nothing but trouble with it. We both have iPods (useful for club night as we can have a 6-hour playlist and not worry about it, or a backup in case the DJ is late). We’ve just had so much grief with mine, syncing it, losing music, it re-arranging perfectly sensible menu structures into its own totally illogical system and generally being a pain! For example, something like the album Now!21 might have on it tracks by Phil Collins, Westlife, The Corrs etc. Instead of one folder with the tracks it creates one folder for each artist, and sub-folders for the albums their tracks appear on! Then I guess assumes you’ll put them all back into playlists. Anyway, for a year now, and having changed laptops twice, I’ve not asked David to install iTunes – figuring that we had all the files backed up and things were reasonably sorted in the iPod as I wanted. Knew it would be grief if we did anything at all with iTunes. But the phones dictate the software and so David valiantly started the process. Sure enough, everything is shot to pieces – iTunes won’t point to the files, and somehow we have about 6 copies of some folders, sprayed randomly over a number of directories. Much screaming, wailing and gnashing of teeth. Eventually and to his very great credit, David managed to get iTunes to see most of the files and pull back my playlists. They’re not perfect, not complete and there are still some orphan files that we’ll need to handle, but at least things should be working to some degree. Did I mention how much I hate iTunes? I just hope that syncing to my contacts and calendar will not be as much of a PITFA!

Finished the day watching back-episodes of House. Enjoying it, even though some elements take me back to being in hospital. Not many episodes pass when I can’t say, “I was on that drug”, or, “I had that test”! There was a scene of someone having an MRI scan which really hit a nerve when the clicks and bangs started. Horrible scan – fixed in a head-brace, with industrial-strength ear defenders, told to not move a muscle, shoved into a metal tube with the weirdest noises from the machine. 30 minutes in that was about 29 minutes too much. Horrible. The funny story though is what happened to me prior to the MRI. I had two nipple rings. Tungsten. (NOT magnetic). The doctors wouldn’t let me have the scan with them in though, as a precaution, in case there was any magnetism at all, which they said could end up with the MRI ripping them out of my body. These were quite heavy gauge rings – about 2.8mm thick, circular, sprung closed onto a little ball bearing which had dimples in to hold the hoop. As per the picture – but mine were titanium silver, not blue. Now these had been in for quite a few years, never removed. The tool to remove them is what I would call ‘inverse pliers’ – sprung loaded and as you close the handles the ‘mouth’ opens. They prise the circle of the ring open, and the ball just drops out. They are very common tools for piercers. Not so for hospitals. The doctors were amazed that I didn’t have such a tool on my person! Credit to the doctor who took charge though. She sent down to A&E to see if they had anything, thinking that that department would have come across something like this before. They had nothing and neither did anywhere else in the hospital. Now this doctor, bless her, decided that the rings would have to be cut off. Again, A&E had nothing to do this – no heavy wire cutters or suchlike. I’m sure that if they had phoned one of the city piercers they could have acquired some pliers, and I’d even have paid for them! But super-doc had a brainwave and decided that there was only one course of action. So, half an hour later my hospital room was full of three nurses, two doctors, and four FIREMEN! Full uniform, helmets, boots, the works. One in the doorway passing various tools, one at the foot of the bed taking charge and one either side of me, each equipped with a pair of normal pliers, each trying to get a grip on one side of the ring, and pull it apart. The guy at the end was there shouting commands, “Pull now. A bit harder. More to the left. You’re too high! Stop! You’ll rip his nipple! Right, take the strain again…pull!” It was SO funny. Took them 20 minutes to do the left one. They thought that they’d sussed it and the right one would be simple, but no! Nearly half an hour on that one! Hilarious. I couldn’t stop laughing. What a palaver! News of this debacle spread round the hospital faster than a bad case of MRSA, with nurses (of both genders) asking if the firemen were hunky and if they had shiny helmets. I was forever after know as ‘the one with the nipple rings’. So, dear reader, let that be a lesson to you: never affix jewellery to your bodily parts without ALWAYS travelling with the means to remove it!

The other anecdote from hospital worth telling is of the time when I was having my chemo observed by a student nurse. The Staff Nurse was administering, and explaining everything that she was doing, the different drugs that made up the combination and why they were administered in a certain order. Now, the student was, to say the least, a little camp. Walked with enough mince to make a shepherd’s pie and every sentence he said started with a dainty little clicking sound as he pursed his lips. So, Staff Nurse is imparting words of wisdom and asking him questions, to which he is giving text-book answers that he has clearly learned by heart. “Yes that is because the third molecule bonds to the nucleus of the protein forming a cohesive anti-pathogenic wotsit thingy. Oh, and I loooove you hair Sandra, is that Burnt Sienna or Mahogany Madness?” You get the picture. Staff Nurse turned to him after a while and said, “What was it you studied at College, Justin?” And without a moment’s pause, as proud as punch, Justin replied, “Chemistry, Biology and Expressive Dance!” I nearly wet myself! At least I know that if he ever has to impart bad news to a patient he will have a choice of ways to present it. Not all of them requiring the donning of a leotard!

Sunday today and we’ve been into the city to try to complete the clothes shopping. Long story short, I got some OK jeans (only OK, but beggars can’t wear Levis it seems). They fit round the waist but will need taking/turning up. I may see if I can get away with ironing in some turn-ups. Now something that the ladies won’t appreciate – it seems that they cut men’s‘ trousers proportionally based upon the waist size. So as the waist decreases, so does the amount of ‘packing’ space at the front. Maybe they think that anyone with a 28″ waist must be pre-pubescent and the cut reflects that! So I won’t be able to sit down and even if I had functioning ‘man fruit’ they’d be forced back inside but by heck I’ll look well-endowed! One fewer pair of socks to pack anyway! David wanted to get a smaller kit bag for his kick-boxing stuff, as the one he has at the moment if it had wheels would qualify for DVLA consideration. So he bought a new one, got it home, only to find it is just a tad bigger than the old one! Pleased to be home though. Bloody knackered after trawling round the Arndale Centre and waiting for lifts that seemed to have minds of their own and only came down to the first floor when they were already packed full of prams, large ladies in burkhas, or fat men who smelled of moth balls. Very pleased to be home!

Chinese woman opposite is at it again. Knickers in the window. Why? It just isn’t done in this country! We have washing lines and clothes horses and radiators and even, at a push, banisters for such things – a whole culture built up around NOT displaying your gussets to the street! Grrrr. Hope you can see what I mean from the photo. If not, I’m sure I’ll have plenty of opportunities to take more.

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You know, these Fridays come around with startling regularity. I am starting to think there may be a pattern. I think more study is required, but I’d swear we had a Friday about a week ago. I blame the credit crunch – we’re having to recycle days now!

So, what news? Well Big Brother was pretty much as I expected – a bunch of broken people chosen to get on each other’s nerves (ours too), and with no redeeming features among the lot of them. WHY do they have to pick such gay gays? Jeez, no wonder people hate puffs when TV only ever shows the most extreme examples. It is like the TV coverage of any Gay Pride event – will they show the thousands of ‘normal’ people, marching for rights and dignity and pride? No, they will pick on a the campest pretty-young-thing with arms like a windmill and a voice that could curdle milk, and a couple of drag queens with half of Tesco’s fruit counter in their hair. I can’t think of a gay BB contestant to date that has actually been representative of the community to which I belong. Liked Lisa the Lesbian though – but probably because she has exactly the same hair style as David and that opens the door to endless jibes! Maybe THIS will be the ‘in road’ I need to persuade him to ditch the Mohawk… Not that I don’t like it, I do, but you see it isn’t HIM that has to cut it in, keep it trimmed, bleach it, re-shape it, and get it to look straight even though he has more crowns than the Royal family! But of course HE is the one who gets the compliments, “Oh, your hair is fabulous! That must take you ages to do!” No, it bloody doesn’t, it takes ME ages to do! And I’m just the short emaciated semi-crip tagging along overshadowed by the technicolour day-glo glory! Still, on the plus side, it makes him easy to spot in a crowd, so I don’t lose him that often!

Quick progress reports from yesterday: My banned Philippine Freak created a new profile and I had 7 messages waiting for me from it this morning. All wanting to know when the money would arrive. I’ve reported the new profile, and just as I was doing that I got a message from yet another of his countrymen. Maybe I’m some sort of twat-magnet? And the other update is on the toad-in-the-hole conundrum. You remember? Yorkshire with the sausage, or in a dish on its own? I was literally not inundated with helpful comments to make the decision any easier. So in the complete absence of any feedback I decided that I would NOT wimp out and would do the whole lot together. I even bowed to the superior godliness that is Dame Delia and followed her commandments to the letter – Thou shalt sieve thy flour, thou shalt measure out 150ml of semi-skimmed milk etc. To this end I even ‘put thy baking tray on direct heat until thy fat is shimmering like the sea of Galilee on a particularly splendid morning’ – not something I usually do I must admit. Well, you can see the results. Nice enough, but hardly the mountains of crunchy pudding in Delia’s photo. Thanks a lot. I knew I should have stayed loyal to Jamie!

Tis remarkably sunny here at the moment, which is odd because according to every weather forecast I’ve seen it should be tanking down, leaving us all rushing for canoes and sand bags. The day is young I suppose, although a good down-pour might drive some of the annoying screechy brats back into their houses! And save me watering. Should I maybe try to encourage the rain by getting the mower out? Mmm, lawn and David’s Mohawk with one simple implement… Can you compost human hair without the risk of some forensic investigation in later years deciding your back garden had been the scene of ritualistic murders…?

Later: Glorious sunshine all morning and so, with loins suitably girded, I set out on my adventure with the mower. Front lawn all now spic and span. For me, with a gammy leg and the energy levels of one of those toy rabbits that DIDN’T get a Duracell battery, that is all quite an achievement. I’m quite proud of myself. And what is even more satisfying is that it has now gone very dark and either there’s an unexpected eclipse starting or its about to piss down. Composted the clippings so being kind to the planet too. Is smugness ever endearing? Also sprayed my various pots and tubs with soapy water as there seems to be an outbreak of aphids munching away at my tender bits! They say soapy water is as good as anything, so we’ll see what happens. Probably nothing if the rain washes all the soap away!

Spag Bol for dinner I think, because I can’t be arsed to stand around faffing with the doings for Shepherds’ Pie. Chinese banging away down their back passage again this afternoon – and what sounded like power tools but may have been industrial vibrators! And no knickers from her opposite for a few days. It has been quite nice to be able to look out at a gusset-less avenue. Streets are just not supposed to have a Visible Pantie Line!

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So we made it to Thursday! Who’d have thought? I was wondering whether the heat wave from the last few days was in fact the start of devastating solar activity heralding apocalyptic times – well, maybe it IS for Gordon Brown, and I suspect that Blazing Blears – bless – is feeling a little crispy round the edges. Would you like your MP rare, medium or well done sir?

Quick update on the Filipino – I reported it to the administration team of the site concerned and received a lovely email back from them explaining how difficult it is to remain parasite-free and thanking me for telling them. Because I provided logs they instantly deleted the account in question. It’ll be back with a different name, but I’ll be waiting. I have several planned alter-egos that I can wheel out – I think the next may be Sir Willie Warmer.

Re: pots and cat activity from yesterday… No disturbances today, although all pots are now fortified with 12″ canes arranged at jaunty angles. If that fails I have chicken wire! Planted some more peas in a big pot I found at the back of the shed. I was bullied into doing it by that Fearnley-Whitinstall person on channel 4, who was on The One Show, guilt-tripping me with his, “and it’s not too late in the season to sow peas outdoors for a crop in October or November” – only to repeat the same again an hour later on C4! He wore me down. Middle of the blasted night I’m out there with compost and somewhat dessicated-looking pea ’seeds’. Thank God I’m not as swayed by TV advertising, or I’d have a cupboard full of Tena Lady, Shreddies, female intimate freshness products and disposable nappies. I hold out little hope for these peas anyway as from the last lot I planted, about 20 in total, I’ve only got one shooting, and it has been weeks already! Duff seeds? Poor Gardener? Still I suppose I’d not be in a hurry to make an appearance if I knew my destiny in life was to have my pods popped!

Domestic God day today. First line of washing done and hung out. I’m old fashioned; I have this strange backwards view that washing dries perfectly well on a line in the back garden without the need to expose my smalls to the world via my bedroom window. Maybe I’m just not cosmopolitan enough! First wash: David’s kick-boxing kit. That needs priority, as if it hangs around too long it spawns life and could probably enter competitions on its own.

I have planned the makings for Toad-in-the-hole tonight, although I’m debating doing the Yorkshire independent from the sausages. Well, it never rises as well for me if they are all in the same tin. What do you think? Risk it or play safe? Maybe, living in Lancashire, it is sacrilege to make Yorkshire puddings anyway!

We watched Desperate Housewives last night – well we ARE puffs for chrissakes! We’re allowed SOME camp in our lives! Who did Mike Marry, Susan, Katherine? In my mind it is a two-horse race. I think the clever money is on either Mrs McCluskey or Andrew Van de Kamp! And I’m NEVER wrong about these things!

Big Brother starts tonight. I guess I’ll end up watching it. Trouble is, when BB is on, the rest of the Telly is crap, I mean really crap. Come that time of night I really just want to relax, veg out a bit and be entertained. So I get sucked in. Well, most years. There have been a few when it has been SO boring I’ve turned it off and gone and done something constructive like counting the number of hairs on my elbow. Although maybe this year there will be a bit of fun on Twitter to watch too. Hope so. Although that said, for weeks there has been an excess of Tweets about Britain’s Got Trolls and The Apprentits (sic).

Should I vote today? It’s not the same without Hazel. She was someone to look up to.

David just found out that some of the managers are reading staff emails at work. So I thought I’d keep them amused and sent this:

Subject: Strange and embarrassing facts about David Bloxham that I don’t want his colleagues to know about

He sometimes wears his socks inside out

When he grows up he wants to be a Smurf

His favourite food is Pen Lids

He can speak 16 languages, and writes Japanese Haikus for relaxation

His favourite colour is Burnt Chestnut

He once dated a Rubik Cube called Valerie

His hobby is to collect white lines from the middle of roads. He has 27 miles so far.

He hates people who hate things

His favourite film is Kodachrome ASA1000

He owns an acre of the moon

His middle name is Tarquin

His favourite book is the Littlewoods catalogue, Summer 1981

He once climbed a ladder

He is the world record holder for spelling the word, “A”

He has five toes on his left foot but only two arms.

He was once abducted by an alien called Ffarg

He never eats hedgehog

He has a pet banana called Granville

He has no nipples

He once played Katherine Janeway’s right thigh in Star Trek

He was abandoned as a child and brought up by mice

His favourite sandwich is cheese and Lego

He once wrote an episode of EastEnders

He never says the word, “poncho”

His spirit guide is a water buffalo

He was born on the cusp

He is neither albino nor called Shirley

His favourite holiday resort is Albania, in December

He once represented Norway in the Eurovision Song Contest

He was recently diagnosed with hair

His ears are super-sensitive and he can hear a wasp fart

He sometimes wears a wimple

His last car was a batmobile

He hates Mondays at 11:37

His blood is pure IronBru

He has a fear of door handles

He collects jellyfish

He has never killed a baboon

He was once married to Toyah Wilcox

He has a tattoo of Henry V111 on his left buttock

His favourite character from Friends is Ugly Naked Man

He drinks Castrol GTX

He loves the smell of joy and hates the smell of misunderstanding

He can’t wear anything made from recycled lemonade bottles

He was once carbon dated

He loves all sports, especially extreme knitting

He can rip an envelope with his bare hands

He has never invented a perpetual motion machine

He is a member of the Welsh Pigeon-fanciers Society

He holds a degree in exo-biology, specialising in terraforming

He has never owned a green pogo-stick

His favourite actor is Morph

He can’t count above 17

He has a collection of staples from around the world

He once drove all the way there and back again in the same day

If he had a superpower it would be the power to turn things purple

He has started to watch Jaws 79 times but never seen the ending

He can see in daylight

He thinks all dogs should wear nappies

He once gave birth to a microwave oven

On weekends he likes to be called Petunia

He can’t use a telephone

He once slept with Leonardo DaVinci and is believed to be the real model for the Mona Lisa

He thinks carrots would be better if they were blue

He can’t understand Twitter

He has no nasal hair

His favourite supermarket is closed for renovation

He believes the Credit Crunch is a breakfast cereal

He once met a future version of himself in a lift in Watford

He thinks grapes are silly

He has an extra bone in his left leg

He is exempt from VAT

He is drip-dry only and should be washed separately

He is scared of zips

He misses rationing

He has never made anything with a washing-up bottle or sticky-backed plastic

He has nightmares about doors

He once appeared on Big Brother as the Diary Room chair

He wants to change his name by deed-poll to “Zaphod”

He knows all the verses to God Save the Queen

He has an OBE for services to the linoleum industry

He hates people called Judy

He has never missed an episode of Casualty

He smells faintly of liquorice

He once supported Michael Jackson in concert

He wears clothes

He is physically unable to write the word, “tiddle”

He once died of bubonic plague

His head is larger than either of his thumbs

He believes in free mushrooms for everyone

He practices voodoo

His least favourite letter of the alphabet is H

He can play the Asda jingle on spoons

He has no opinion on Turkmenistan politics

His real age is a mystery known only to him and the Dali Lama

He eats squirrel

Later: Oh wonderous Joy! I have another Phillipine pillock trying to fleece me for money. This one is after £3000 to come to England. Bye Bye!

Cat just appeared with dead bird. And after just being fed too! They KNOW not to bring wildlife into the house. Love the cats to bits, but I’m a puff – I don’t LIKE Tits, blue or any other colour! Done some design work today, nothing special, just a graphic for a friend, but it kept me amused for a while and I enjoy doing stuff like that. Wish I could get back into painting. I have a half-finished portrait of David that I just don’t seem to be able to get inspired enough to complete. Think I have lost my muse – or is that mojo? I’m feeling myself becoming emotionally more stable these days, less prone to the drug-induced bouts of depression caused by the chemo, and I’m managing to be a bit more creative. Laughing a lot more too, and think I have a bit of my sense of humour back at last. Well, back to what it was, anyway. No? Huhh! Every one’s a critic!

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There are two types of people in the world: Those who make lists, and those who would allow civilization as we know it to degrade into abject anarchy.

So I think today I’ll start working out what we need to take to Hungary at the end of the Month. David’s efforts at work have been rewarded with an Employee of the Year accolade and a prize of a weekend in Budapest (not an obvious location, but that is good as it is not somewhere we’d ever have thought of visiting under any other circumstances). OK, so it is only 2 nights but I still have lots to consider, not least of which is what clothes to take, and indeed if I need to buy some more! No, seriously, it is a big issue. In the last year I have gone from a 32″ waist to 28″ (if you want a diet that REALLY works, try late-diagnosis of lymphoma!) so none of my decent clothes fit at all. Jeans just drop off, and if I use a belt there is so much gathered fabric I look like I’m wearing culottes. I hate buying clothes at the best of times. Trousers ALWAYS need at least 6″ taking off the legs and if I get a shirt that fits my shoulders the arms hand down below my knees. But I can’t honestly go stay in a five-star hotel and wear trackie bottoms and a sweatshirt to dinner. Maybe I should just buy a burkha and to hell with looking frumpy! Then there is all the joy of taking medication abroad – I have to have the hospital prescriptions as proof of requirement and have to take pills in original packaging (so instead of taking 2 of each lot I have to take the full packet of 60, plus the packaging). So instead of 16 pills in a little bag, I’ll have to take over 400, in boxes and bottles. Now THAT screws your hand luggage options to buggery! Bitter? Me? Well, maybe a bit.

Odd day already today. Didn’t sleep well, and ended up getting up a good two hours earlier than normal to put out bins, so it is going to seem like a very long day. Amusingly David and I got each other identical Anniversary cards. Bugger, we could have saved half the total cost and both just signed the same one. One needs to consider such economies in these financially challenging times. Ah well, it was lovely to get a card anyway, and I suppose it shows we have similar taste (or that Birthdays just doesn’t cater adequately for same-sex anniversaries). David’s at work and it’ll be a quick turn-round when he gets home as he’ll be off kick-boxing and doing MMA-type things. So another ’special’ day farts in my face and scampers off never to be seen again. Bitter? Me? Well, maybe a bit.

Garden pots strangely disturbed this morning. Possible cat frolicking judging by the flattening of the mint, but not sure about that – some pots overturned, although all but the mint seems relatively unharmed. I’m not ruling out peculiar behaviour from Chinese next door. Odd bunch at the best of times. They don’t recycle. No excuse for that these days. They were outside until late yesterday, wood-staining the huge erection that has been built in the back garden. As orange erections go, it is quite unique. Not ruled out possibility that they intend to use it for breeding, or maybe move in additional relatives. Turn the whole street into Chinese ghetto. Bitter? Me? Well, maybe a bit.

I’m being stalked on one of the contact sites by a Filipino idiot. I usually get 4 or 5 a week, either from there or Ghana, who clearly just want either to harvest email addresses or con Brits into helping them get a visa. My profiles all say very clearly that if they appear to be doing that I will just waste their time and wind them up. The last one, I pretended to be a rich philanthropist working for a charity called Teenagers With Acute Traumas and got as far as persuading him to send me a photo of himself wearing a T-shirt with TWAT written on it. Serves him right. Parasite. These people really annoy me. They think that they can find an entry route into the UK so that they can sponge off our welfare state. This one today, after 3 messages had proclaimed his love for me and proposed marriage! Ah, it needs help with the fare to visit the UK. Fancy that! Should I string it on for a few hours, see how much of a fool it can make of itself? Should I ignore it? Should I report it for inappropriate behaviour? Oh, a bit of fun I think. Which is nothing more or less than I say I will do in my profile and nothing but what he deserves. Bitter? Me? Well, maybe a bit. I’ll keep you posted.

Later….
Quick update on today before David gets home from work. Well, I strung the Philippino along for most of the day, tying him up in his own [lack of] logic. It transpired that he was trying to get me to transfer 60,000 pesos, about £770 via Western Union, having only spoken to me for the first time this morning. Somehow he was reluctant to send ME 2000 pesos, to prove he was genuine, and which I would, of course, have refunded! I’ve reported him now for trying to extort money. I posed as a cousin of the Queen, Lord Ivor Biggun. Well, it has to be fun for me as well as educational for them too!

Most upset that my Hazel Blears limerick is more than 140 characters and so won’t fit on Twitter. Had to settle for Facebook alone. Bah!

There once was a woman called Blears

Who’s taxes were shown in arrears

She protested her case

But got egg on her face

And resigned in a frenzy of tears

Right, best check on dinner – braised steak, new potatoes, carrots, brocholli and leeks, if you were wondering.

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