I am the very model…
I am the very model of a modern cancer sufferer
Of chemo drugs and pills I am a veritable connoisseur
I know the mood swings and the problems that so often can occur
And which brand of steroids all the doctors now seem to prefer
I’m very well acquainted too with matters biological
I understand mutations and their process chronological
The lymphatic system is no longer such the mystery
When you consider all my recent health-related history
I’m very good at taking pills and always use the right amount
The sickness that they cause is something that I will surmount
In short, in matters medical and treatments tried by my doctor
I am the very model of a modern cancer sufferer
I give my blood twice monthly, though often with a lot of pain
As the nurses stab me somehow sure that they have got a vein
But nothing from the needle spurts, and thus they have to try again
Would leeches used instead be really seen as any less humane?
I’ve has the tests, the x-rays and the ultrasound
MRI and CT scans, the acronyms they bandied round
Fibrascan, and ECG as the doctors had a look around
And wait to hear the news of exactly what they might have found
Then the nurse approaches with a shiny new thermometer
And sticks it somewhere only angels care to monitor
In short, in matters medical and treatments tried by my doctor
I am the very model of a modern cancer sufferer
I know the stresses placed on my compromised immunity
And on the matter I can speak with relative impunity
I do, in fact, discourse to wit at every opportunity
And bore the pants off even those in the medical community
I down the drugs, the Dapsone and Omeprazole,
Codeine, Gabapentin and Fluconazole
For pain they give a daily dose of Paracetamol
Or if its really bad I get a better one called Tramadol
I caught the bugs, c-diff, e-coli and then many more
You couldn’t come to see me without a plastic pinafore
In short, in matters medical, you’d not believe what did occur
I am the very model of a modern cancer sufferer
Heart palpitations started and they called it Tachycardia
I’m only in my forties and I should have been much hardier
Such stomach cramps and bloating that I couldn’t get much windier
The side effects of all the pills and potions they pump in to ya’
They thought I had an ulcer and sent me for gastroscopy
A camera down my gullet so they could see what was inside of me
I may be old fashioned but there’s some things I don’t want to see
Digestive tract in detail shown on a really huge TV
But I’m still alive and this sentiment I must confess
It is something that I really want now to express
I’m getting well at last, thank God, and all of this success
Is entirely down to the people of the NHS
In short, in matters medical and treatments tried by my doctor
I am the very model of a modern cancer sufferer
