Dear Santa…
Dear Santa
As is customary I shall be leaving your annual bribe (two mince pies and a glass of extremely cheap sherry) beside our non-existent fireplace. I’m sorry that for the second year running I can’t afford to run to the extent of a carrot for Rudolf, but there is a recession on, and with adequate boiling I can feed both David and me on the carrot for three days. We all have to make sacrifices and I’m sure you understand. It is just as well Rudolf doesn’t run on unleaded, the price of which has sneaked up again, although if he did, I guess the nozzle insertion would go some way to explaining his perpetual look of surprise! Is there something you are not telling us? Has Rudolf been running on petrol instead of the carrot-based bio-fuels as you claim? You’ll soon have to get him converted and there are many decent hybrids coming on the market, although I have yet to see any mileage stats for reindeer and it may be a bit disruptive to you if you have to stop every 200 miles for a recharge.
I gather that Top Gear will be doing a Christmas Special and the Stig is scheduled to roadtest the new Volvo VT20i sports-edition Sleigh, so you might watch out for that. Clarkson was raving about Sleighs being the next big thing in transport solutions – they solve so many congestion problems although, as James May pointed out, Air Traffic Control are raising a right fuss about increased workload. I don’t know why they complain, so many airlines have gone bust that their radar screens can hardly be bipping at all, and BA probably won’t be an issue much longer either. On a positive note, Gardeners’ Question Time the other day ran an interesting article from Kent (you know, where the UK Sleigh Research and Development Company is located) saying that reindeer shit is particularly good for rhubarb so there could be a decent side-line there for you if you can just perfect the delivery system.
I digress, so back to the point of my letter. As I say, your ‘payment’ is available for collection as usual and this year I shall, in light of the economic climate, scale back my demands. Clearly last year my request for world peace was beyond your abilities and if the best you could manage was a Nobel Prize for that damn yank, then I really think you could have tried a little harder. Still, I make allowances for your increasing age and senility. Let’s try something a little easier for 2010. It would be really good if we could have some proper seasons – you know, in the traditional pattern, and of appropriate duration. Last year you seemed to opt for the ‘four seasons in one day’ approach and it all got very troublesome. I have tried to perpetuate the cover story you suggested about climate change and global warming, but to be frank, people are not falling for it in the way you had hoped so I really think it is time to return to the old system. Don’t you?
Last year I think I was a little imprecise in my list and as I recall I asked that health-wise you make me better. No complaints – you did just that and I am indeed better. Better than I was though, not completely better. It is my fault for being less than specific. What I should have asked for was for you to make me well again, and so that is how I shall phrase the request this Yule.
I am gratified that you continue to be so active in your charity work and I’m sure I have seen your influence in a number of this year’s major events. All those years of asking and finally you made one of Susan Boyle’s wishes come true. Maybe 2010 for the other one hey? (I’ve heard the old silk purse/sows ear trick is one you’ve been teaching the elves!) I assume you were behind Jedward too? You know, you must learn to be a bit more selective in the wishes you grant and you did those two no favours at all really (but thanks for 
the laugh)! And congratulations on getting your own choice of song to Number 1 for Christmas – When you said you wanted the F-word in the top position, I thought you meant Gordon Ramsey in the TV charts. (Although it isn’t the first song to feature the F-word that has reached No. 1 – The Beetles “Hey Jude” has it at about 3-minutes in, if you listen very carefully!)
When I said last year that I wanted something hot from Mexico that would make my eyes water I was thinking more along the lines of some fajitas and guacamole not Swine Flu. Getting Rudolf to distribute it was a masterstroke, and this year I shall leave a box of Kleenex Balsam along with the mince pies, as I’m sure his nose will be even more sore than usual.
I must say you caused a bit of a kafuffle too – I told you that giving all those MPs such extravagant presents would cause no end of bother! I mean, honestly! Who needs a duck island? What were you thinking? And a moat? Hardly appropriate for a suburban semi in Surbiton! I wonder if they will claim for decorations on the duck island – or might that give the geese too much of a clue that they are destined for a good stuffing?
And you were right about JK Rowling, although I refused to admit it at the time. Obviously it was worth her asking for “inspiration and narrative creativity” on the years when she wrote the early Harry Potter books – quite why she chose to change her wish from those to “a cliniqué gift set and some bunny rabbit slippers” on the year she wrote Deathly Hallows is beyond me. But the film, out this year leads me to hope she enjoyed the slippers more than I enjoyed the movie, which was both deathly and hollow!
I do implore you to grant Mr Brown his dream of retirement in 2010 and hope that he has learned the lesson that he needs to be careful what he wishes for – Leadership maybe wasn’t quite all he thought it would be. Any chance of him and Hazel Blears in the Celebrity Big Brother house? On similar lines I have picked my selection of people for the Jungle next year. They include Jonathan Ross, Russell Brand and Andrew Sachs. I’m also thinking Jan Moir and Westlife. How about Derek Acorah and the spirit of Michal Jackson? I’m not sure how well Jacko would cope with the Bush-tucker Trials though as I suspect that Michael eating grubs in actually the reverse of reality, but you could film it from the maggot’s perspective? You’ll probably find that David Tennant will be looking for work around that time too.
Thank you for giving me Twitter. I’m now best friends with all the major celebrities (and Paul Daniels). I know what they all eat for breakfast, what colds, bumps or headaches they have endured on our behalf, and their views on big issues such as “coffee vs tea” and “minimum wage needed to get a decent butler these days”. My celeb mates (and Paul Daniels) have all shared in great detail the tales of their exotic holidays, gluttonous dining habits, neurosis, psychosis, psoriasis, cirrhosis and necrosis. And their views on hats. Who needs fame when you can live it vicariously in the comfort of your own home whilst stroking your pussy?
Kirstie Allsopp is a sweetie and brilliant at finding obnoxious people homes they don’t want and can’t afford, but you need words with her about her Christmas Special. ‘Normal’ people [for reference, I define ‘normal’ to mean “don’t have a father who is a Baron and are not entitled to call themselves ‘The Honourable Kirstie Allsopp’”] tend not to have the time or resources for blowing their own glass baubles, quilting festive stockings, making a teddy bear from scratch (ditto chutney, candles, crackers) and all of this less than a fortnight before Christmas. Still, what else can you expect besides gargantuan effort from a woman who’s kids middles names are Atlas and Hercules!
I hope you and Mrs Clause have sorted out your differences. You are right, the crabs probably just got caught in your , eh hum, ‘beard’ when you dropped off the Christmas presents at the GUM clinic. You may be getting on, but there’s still life in you yet, eh?
I bet you are glad you didn’t outsource deliveries to the Post Office. You can never be sure they won’t try to strike! And I assume that you are responsible for the Channel Tunnel debacle? I know you were concerned about French Postal Services encroaching on your patch, so blocking their main supply route was a stroke of genius, but you could have thought a bit more about the poor commuters too. The snow has been fun all round, and SO unseasonal for December – are you moving back into your more Dickensian approach? If so, dump a load more snow on London; they like it down there and always cope really well in bad conditions Oh, and can we maybe start Christmas in December next year, instead of July? I know you need to advertise, and it’s a dog-eat-dog commercialised jungle out there, but you DO kind of have the market cornered, having pretty much beaten the Pagans and that Jesus bloke out of the bazaar.
You’ll have no trouble finding our house this year – we are the one without any festive lights flickering furiously outside. We are making our stand for CO2 reduction, energy conservation, taste and tradition. Also we know that those flashing snowmen throw Dasher and Prancer into a rutting frenzy and Donner and Blitzen end up trying to shag the rope light reindeer. It is often not Santa coming down the chimney, but a randy reindeer getting rude with a radiant red robin. You should take them to the V-E-T and have them de-snowballed!
So, for 2010, my wishes are simple. Please will you make me well again and please can I have David for another year? He’s been wonderful in 2009 and I don’t know what I would do without him.
Love to the Elves
Adrian xx
